This strange, wonderful masterpiece, long out of print, recently turned up on an episode of Antiques Roadshow when they visited Sacramento, CA. The appraisers could not come to a consensus as to value, with estimates ranging from "you would have to pay me to take it" to the $40,000-50,000 range. A signed copy appeared on Pawn Stars, but they could not come to an agreement (the owner wanted $1,000,000.)

The following is a list of the songs with descriptions by Dino Dante, Dutch's personal manager and confidante.

I've known Dutch since before he could drink red wine out of a baby bottle. Out of respect for Dutch's mother and the Falconetti, I became the Twisted Orchestra's manager and Dutch's personal legal counsel. Since the first Ritorto summer and all through the Dark Tent years, I've seen the Twisted Orchestra story unfold, and Dutch felt that my perspective would prove to be a unique opportunity for those not yet among the Initiated. In regard to certain issues, my confidence will never be compromised, but barring any legal or moral considerations: here's the skinny.
Dino Dante
Prague
Summer 1994

The house lights are down. The follow-spot is focused. Slam your rocket fuel at the bar and double time it to the dance floor. Tune and clarinet solo by big bad Brian Salter.

Our attempt to fool ya by sewing "Kong" and "Bandstand" together probably didn't work. Kitten, Bunny, Johnny and Dutch belt out this famous Falconi theme with the same giddy brio we felt on V-E day. Set your shore-leave wristwatches, though; nobody wants to be caught with their pants down at 08:00. Sing-Sing trumpet by high brass daddy Jimbo "Spats" Pantages.

The best version of this tune was given away over short-wave during a live broadcast from the Grand Island Casino. We've all worn the Shoes of Despair. Admit it. Dutch's personal pair were hand made in Hong Kong and they ruined his arches forever (Just like his third wife - mean Spats.) Three A.M. alto solo by wunderkind Bob Dowling, tenor solo by the scintillating Gene "Gizmo" Avery. Key into the beatnik bass by swing king Malcolm "The" Prince.

We picked up Johnny Splendour in Vegas. The band caught Johnny's second set and pledged not to leave the city without him. Luckily, one too many Martinis found Dutch at the craps table letting the take from the gig ride. Bing-ba-da-boom, big six the hard way, and the Twisted Orchestra was in the chips. With the bank broke, Dutch took half the cash, assumed possession of the craps table, and had Johnny Splendour's contract signed over as remittance for the balance due. Now Splendour has his own trailer with the Falconi Side Show and a hundred-dollar-a-week sequin allowance. Johnny and "Goo" Gavin Affatica penned the tune. Alto solo by "Lucky" Dowling.

Dutch and the band thought that Lila May Johnstone should be recognized for her contribution to the stew. Lila May wanted to be a star and thought that the Falconi Family Circus was her ticket. But, the dark lord moves in mysterious ways and Lila won the band lottery: the sacrifice of the few for the good of the many. (See, "Potatoes, Carrots and You".) Bunny Brie soars in the role of innocent Lila May. Kitten Fontina goes autobiographical under her professional pseudonym: Madame Sinestro.

Re-inventing the Beat tradition has won sax guru Gene Avery a horde of devoted supplicants. Gizmo and Dutch hooked up in the opium dens of old San Francisco, and re-formed the Falconi Orchestra under the watchful eye of Toisan spindoctor Arthur Ma. Since then, Gizmo has pulled the heart strings of the knee-jerk music industry and pumped out primo product anyway. Dr. Sax, indeed. On tenor or words, he delivers.

Word about Slocum Manor spread like a jar of cheap Dijon. Once a goat commune occupied by gun-toting yippies, the aging Victorian estate - and the adjoining deforested acreage - had become home to an enterprising young woman and her cohorts in victimless crime. Who could've known that a Sunday afternoon small combo casual gig would tip off the band to the secret identities of Bunny and Kitten. Covertly working at the Slocum Manor, the Orchestra's enigmatic female singers were really the Asst. Deputies of a candy-coated spank-and-bark S&M brothel. The band felt that Kitten and Bunny should share a little inside information, purely as a public service, and the "Insulting Tango" was born. Listen as the girls do the tutorial; Johnny acts on behalf of Lucifer and Dutchie Jr. plays the part of the mark. Tuba mania compliments of Ron "Atacca" Hall.

If it's love songs you're looking for, you missed the turn about a mile ago. Love, shmuv. Just ask our Moto Guzzi approved tenor-man "Chickenfoot" McPhail. If it weren't for the demonic wail and splat work of the fabulous bone brothers, Kinki and Loogi, we'd have tossed the tune out like a bundle of old love letters. Dutch grapples with the eternal blue-ball/Grecian-urn phenomena and accidentally delivers the most fragile - and vulnerable - vocal ever to fall out of his mouth. Remember the old adage about the wrath of a woman scorned? Well, what about that of a musician? They write songs instead of Dear John letters. Check out the brilliant piano work by the master of understatement "Shirpa" Gutierrez.

Generations after Dutch's clan was forced to leave Europe (due to allegations that the Falconetti were a cannibalistic cult disguised as a traveling side-show and orchestra), the old family recipe has finally been immortalized in song. Swing out wide, grab a spoon, select the victim, dig the tune. Affatica whips up a mean side-dish and arrangement, while the band keeps it on rapid boil. If you don't find it on the menu of our drummer's restaurant (Chez Bagong), ask to see the Chef. If you're one of the Initiated, remember to chant: "Boun appitito, Confidenti-Uniti-Cognoscenti."

It can no longer be kept on the Q.T. The movie game and the music biz have been in bed with each other for years! (Duh.) It's a little-known fact that the Twisted Orchestra's very own golden-throated lark, Bunny Brie, is actually the same Bunny Brie who starred in the smash motion pictures Women's Prison Lock Down, Wienerschleiden Express and Shakeytown Mama. Your in like Aces if you bet that Bunny and Kitten will show up to the party with their boots, riding crops and officers' caps. Enjoy the "mopp" and don't accept any popcorn from strangers seated next to you. (Unless you want to.) Get hip to surf/ swing guitar metamorph "Finger" Printz. Piggy-back me baby, eight to the bar!

Take a trip with the original "Freeway Ghost Rider" - Gene Avery! Pick up on what Gizmo's laying down, and you'll really enjoy the scenery. Gene sax-ified this number with special considerations for the denizens of a highly mobile culture, and while the girls do the lines, quips and ad-libs, he'll even hold the wheel as you have at those doughnuts.

The tune isn't about Johnny Splendour, but with a voice like his, he's all over it. Probably the only politically bent number done by the Falconi Orchestra, "Oh, Jonny" is about some local nastiness carried out by misguided neo-strudel-heads who, in their constant effort to embarrass themselves, end up creating tragedy for others. We had enough of that sort of crapola in the old country, but here in Amerika? If you're not hip to the poli-sci angle and just want to dance - dig it. The clarinet trills - compliments of warm klezmer-ettes Paté Decker and Planet Howe - are reminiscent of the Gypsy Skiffle style so popular in Dusseldorf. Check out Gizmo's tenor solo, Bill Spider Smith's solo trumpet spotlight and the alto high-jinx of Lucky Dowling.

Human oddities wanted for side show: inquire with Professor Richard Lee, at P.O. Box 19052, Sacramento, CA 95819. Good night Irene, I'll see you in my dreams.